With in the last couple years I have strayed further and further from my walk with the Lord. I could come up with a million different reasons why this happened but none of them should have kept me away from Him. I am ashamed to say that it happened to me, and I am still ashamed to admit that I am still not following our God the way that He asks us to. Over the last few years I can admit to not giving him much thought at all. I'm not sure which event occurred that made this happen and it probably wasn't just one event or maybe there wasn't even an event. If I am being truly honest I think that life just got in the way. I kept putting God on the back burner. I kept saying to myself I'll go to church next weekend there is too much to do today or I'll read my Bible tomorrow I just don't have the time right now. Next week end and tomorrow never came. You know the sad part is? All those times I was reading a romance book I should have been reading my Bible. Or those weekend family outings we did instead of going to church should have been spent worshiping God as a family and having fellowship amongst other Christians.
In all honesty, I felt pressured. I felt like all the Christians around me never struggled, that they never questioned God, I felt like they were perfect and I felt like that I as a Christian was supposed to be like. It also didn't help when people kept asking me or even questioning my salvation. I couldn't handle being amongst these "perfect" Christians anymore. I kept comparing myself to them. I kept asking myself why dont I feel like that? Why does it come so easy to them and not to me? Why cant I act like that? There is a lot of I's and me's going on right there. Instead of comparing myself to them I should have been asking some of them for help. I guess I never felt truly comfortable around them. I felt like if they new the real me they would judge me even more then they already were. I know that most of them probably were not judging me at all but I know a few of them that were. Being around people who question my salvation are not the kind of people I want to be around. Even though I fell off my path with the Lord I NEVER doubted that He sent His son to die for my sins. I believe with my heart and soul that the only way to eternal life is through the acceptance of Jesus Christ.
I think that some Christians put on an act when they are at Church and when they are behind closed doors they let their struggles and true emotions show. I wish I knew some people that had the same struggles and same questions that I do. I think I am the kind of person that questions everything and it is hard for me to accept that there are some questions that I will never have answers to in this life. I need to learn to let go of trying to control everything. As I typed that, I didn't even realize I had control issues but I do. I have this terrible need to control everything around me, the need to know what the outcome of every situation will be. I need to learn to give over the control to God and just live my life. The stress of everything that has been happening lately is consuming my life. It is effecting my relationships with the people that mean most to me. I feel like trying to control everything and the stress of it is not allowing me to be the best wife and mother that I can be.
I could tell you right now that I will stop trying to control every situation and put all my worried into the hands of God but I know it will be harder than that. I'm going to have to keep reminding myself to do that every day, probably numerous times a day. I have quickly learned that being married to a soldier and living an Army life I pretty much have no control over anything. I don't have the control of where we will live or even if we will be together as a family. I need to give up my control and just live my life one day at a time or in some days one minute at a time.